I debated and debated whether or not I would post a blog about our loss, and at one point thought I would just delete all the previous related blog posts and start over, but I want to remember our experience, and since this blog is really for me more than anything else, I have decided to write. I don't know if people want to read about our experience, but I figured the 4 or 5 people who do actually read this blog do care about me, and have probably already heard the story anyway. It is a long one, so brace yourself.
Thursday, June 24th we officially celebrated our 4 year wedding anniversary, and needless to say it was bittersweet. It started off wonderful, with my incredible husband spoiling me with not only a blue topaz ring surrounded with tiny diamonds, but he also surprised me by hiding around the house little boxes that had the earrings and necklace to match! We were so excited because it was going to be the best anniversary ever since we were going back to the doctor to see our little baby.
We arrived at the doctor, began with the routine (peeing in a cup, weight, and blood pressure), and then went back to the ultrasound room. The nurse was able to find the baby immediately, which to Johnathan and I looked perfect. We started laughing and smiling while the nurse quietly rolled the wand over my belly. After a few minutes she said that she was having a hard time finding any blood flow to the baby, and the measurements were not adding up to how far I was along. She said she was going to get the doctor, and I asked her if we should be worried. As she walked out of the room she said under her breath, um, no, not yet.
The doctor came in the room and as she rolled the wand over my belly she explained that they were having a hard time seeing any blood flow going to the baby. Normally, the screen will show bright colors on the baby, as it was showing everywhere else on my belly, except on the baby. They were also unable to see or find the heartbeat. She then explained that the baby was measuring 8.5 weeks, instead of 10.5, which was also an indication the baby was no longer living.
At this point I could do nothing but stare at Johnathan, and cry hysterically. The doctor gave me a hug, and explained numerous times that this is unfortunately common, and because I am young, should be able to have a healthy pregnancy and baby again as soon as possible. I understand how these comments would probably make some people upset because it doesn't seem to make anyone feel any better about what has happened, but there is something very comforting in people telling you that you can try again and have a successful pregnancy and birth.
As a last precaution before performing a D and E, the doctor ordered a series of blood work. If my hCG levels had not increased over a period of days, it confirms the inevitable. So, I had blood drawn that afternoon, and again on Saturday, both times at the hospital.
I had something called a missed miscarriage. This is extremely rare, and occurs when the fetus dies, but continues to stay in the uterus. The only sign of a missed miscarriage is the loss of all pregnancy symptoms, and the only way we would have known was by the ultrasound. To be fair to myself, and since this was my first pregnancy, I had no idea my "symptoms" had disappeared because I really never had any symptoms when the baby was alive. No morning sickness, no real food cravings or aversions... and I discounted it as being one of the lucky ones.
Monday morning I was extremely anxious and ready to hear the doctor tell me the results of the blood work. Well, by 10:30am I had not heard anything, so of course I called the office. You wouldn't believe it... on the one day I need to hear the most important news from their office, their phones were down. I left work around 11:45am and went to their office. Thankfully, I was able to meet with a nurse, who confirmed that my hCG levels were declining, and confirmed that I had miscarried. We scheduled the surgery for Wednesday. I kept my composure until I walked out of the office, but lost it in the parking lot. I called Johnathan to let him know, called my mom, Johnathan's mom, and my sister. At this point I was ready to find closure and look ahead to starting over. I knew that Wednesday would probably be the most difficult day of my life, but all I kept thinking about was the future... God is in control and has a wonderful plan for our lives.
We had to be at the hospital at 5:15am Wednesday morning for the surgery. After about an hour and a half of prepping, Johnathan and I told each other a tearful goodbye. I spoke with the doctor before surgery, whose sweet words of sorrow and encouragement made me tear up again. I was put under general anesthesia and woke up about an hour later. Now I'm at home recovering with Johnathan's wonderful help, and taking it easy. Besides the continuous mild cramping, and occasional cramping that feels like I have done 1000 crunches while on my period, I'm feeling good. I have a number of restrictions for the next two weeks as my insides recuperate and cycles begin to regulate.
A HUGE thank you for all the prayers and support I have received. I know God has heard our prayers and will help us get through this time. I am constantly reminded that everything happens in His time and according to His plan. We don't always know or understand why his plan turns out the way it does, but through sorrow and grief we find hope.
We arrived at the doctor, began with the routine (peeing in a cup, weight, and blood pressure), and then went back to the ultrasound room. The nurse was able to find the baby immediately, which to Johnathan and I looked perfect. We started laughing and smiling while the nurse quietly rolled the wand over my belly. After a few minutes she said that she was having a hard time finding any blood flow to the baby, and the measurements were not adding up to how far I was along. She said she was going to get the doctor, and I asked her if we should be worried. As she walked out of the room she said under her breath, um, no, not yet.
The doctor came in the room and as she rolled the wand over my belly she explained that they were having a hard time seeing any blood flow going to the baby. Normally, the screen will show bright colors on the baby, as it was showing everywhere else on my belly, except on the baby. They were also unable to see or find the heartbeat. She then explained that the baby was measuring 8.5 weeks, instead of 10.5, which was also an indication the baby was no longer living.
At this point I could do nothing but stare at Johnathan, and cry hysterically. The doctor gave me a hug, and explained numerous times that this is unfortunately common, and because I am young, should be able to have a healthy pregnancy and baby again as soon as possible. I understand how these comments would probably make some people upset because it doesn't seem to make anyone feel any better about what has happened, but there is something very comforting in people telling you that you can try again and have a successful pregnancy and birth.
As a last precaution before performing a D and E, the doctor ordered a series of blood work. If my hCG levels had not increased over a period of days, it confirms the inevitable. So, I had blood drawn that afternoon, and again on Saturday, both times at the hospital.
I had something called a missed miscarriage. This is extremely rare, and occurs when the fetus dies, but continues to stay in the uterus. The only sign of a missed miscarriage is the loss of all pregnancy symptoms, and the only way we would have known was by the ultrasound. To be fair to myself, and since this was my first pregnancy, I had no idea my "symptoms" had disappeared because I really never had any symptoms when the baby was alive. No morning sickness, no real food cravings or aversions... and I discounted it as being one of the lucky ones.
Monday morning I was extremely anxious and ready to hear the doctor tell me the results of the blood work. Well, by 10:30am I had not heard anything, so of course I called the office. You wouldn't believe it... on the one day I need to hear the most important news from their office, their phones were down. I left work around 11:45am and went to their office. Thankfully, I was able to meet with a nurse, who confirmed that my hCG levels were declining, and confirmed that I had miscarried. We scheduled the surgery for Wednesday. I kept my composure until I walked out of the office, but lost it in the parking lot. I called Johnathan to let him know, called my mom, Johnathan's mom, and my sister. At this point I was ready to find closure and look ahead to starting over. I knew that Wednesday would probably be the most difficult day of my life, but all I kept thinking about was the future... God is in control and has a wonderful plan for our lives.
We had to be at the hospital at 5:15am Wednesday morning for the surgery. After about an hour and a half of prepping, Johnathan and I told each other a tearful goodbye. I spoke with the doctor before surgery, whose sweet words of sorrow and encouragement made me tear up again. I was put under general anesthesia and woke up about an hour later. Now I'm at home recovering with Johnathan's wonderful help, and taking it easy. Besides the continuous mild cramping, and occasional cramping that feels like I have done 1000 crunches while on my period, I'm feeling good. I have a number of restrictions for the next two weeks as my insides recuperate and cycles begin to regulate.
A HUGE thank you for all the prayers and support I have received. I know God has heard our prayers and will help us get through this time. I am constantly reminded that everything happens in His time and according to His plan. We don't always know or understand why his plan turns out the way it does, but through sorrow and grief we find hope.
This was hard to read, but thank you for deciding to share. Before you can feel the baby move, of course you just assume everything's fine unless you have symptoms otherwise. The idea of a "missed miscarriage" is awful and I'm so sorry you had to experience it.
ReplyDeleteI hope you do find comfort in the fact that there's every reason to believe your next pregnancy will end with a gorgeous, healthy baby -- and that, like you said, God is in control of all of this. Still praying for you guys.
Thank you so much Jenn!
ReplyDeleteI almost didn't comment on this because I think Jennifer said it all, but I wanted to comment to also thank you for this post. Of course I am so sorry as well, but I'm so grateful because I know you have an incredible family and friend support system. We're still praying as well and if you need anything please let us know.
ReplyDeleteBrooke, it makes me very happy to read your story because it's clear that you realize God still has the most perfect plan for you. Praying for you every day. Love you.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your sweet comments and prayers!
ReplyDelete